vicemag:

“I’m thrilled to give the world a preview of future President Rick Santorum’s Rules for Everything, a 525-point ironclad plan for ensuring America’s moral health and well-being. I’m not going to tell you everything that’s in it, but I can certainly assure you that the guide is comprehensive in its assessment of what is and isn’t acceptable behavior in the private bedrooms of consenting American adults. Sure, it may be unpalatable to ultra-liberal communist monsters like Charles M. Blow, but most Americans are going to hear Santorum’s plan and fall in love with him all over again. Here are a few of the highlights.

· Cunnilingus, anal sex, tongue-kissing, and other forms of non-procreative intimate contact will be banned. On the upside, everyone gets a hula hoop!

· All lesbians will be eligible to receive free pray-away-the-gay counseling from Dr. Marcus Bachmann, husband of Rep. Michele Bachmann. (Notes on an early draft of Santorum’s Rules for Everything indicate his initial reluctance to include the relatively liberal Bachmanns in his plan, but prayer eventually showed him the way.) Just one session with the sensuous, full-lipped Dr. Bachmann is said to be powerful enough to turn even the most devout lesbians into man-lovers.

· While women impregnated by rapists will be forcibly required to bear their rapist’s offspring, they will also be rewarded with a lifetime of free waffle fries at uber-Christian chain Chick-fil-A. And don’t you feel left out, pregnant rape victims under the age of 13—you get all the Kid’s Meals you want!”

— Rick Santorum’s Guide to Sex - Read the whole thing